I'm not just Chinese

We just had dinner with our friends, Larry and Ruth, who are two of the loveliest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Ruth brought homemade profiteroles, which were just divine. These are my favorite kinds of social engagements: having a few friends over, sharing a nice, simple meal, and good conversation. It's relaxed, engaging, fun, and I get to really talk to people. I think that's my problem with the bar scene and cocktail parties--I never feel like I have substantial conversations with people in those situations. I don't like small talk, and I feel like that's all that happens at events like that. Anyway, Ruth and Larry are great great people and I feel lucky to know them.

Chris and I had a very social weekend. Something that came up in conversation bothered me, though, and I had some time to contemplate why while stirring the risotto tonight. One of his friends, an older man, commented that his nephew might also be dating a Chinese-American woman, and wouldn't it be funny if they got married too, because what a coincidence! I opted out of that conversation, because I didn't feel it would be productive (and I was suffering from a hangover and waiting for food and coffee--a situation in which you should hope to never encounter me). He said it a couple of times, too, which, if it's true that race is not an issue for you, why do you keep mentioning it? What does the girl do? What is she like? What are her interests? Because if being Chinese-American is all we have in common, I don't feel like we're that much alike. Maybe, if we lived in, say, Podunk, Idaho, it might be quite a coincidence if two good friends both dated Chinese-American women. But in California? It's kind of hard not to date one because we're kind of everywhere. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting one of us (I do not, however, advocate swinging cats, dead or otherwise, nor do I support hitting anyone with said cats). And we're not that novel, especially not so much that our ethnic background should be the main thrust of any conversation about us. Maybe if she was obsessed with food and cooking, had a penchant for Powerpuff Girls, loved cheerleading movies, and thought her cat was God's one stroke of genius, then we can talk about being very similar and yeah, it would be funny if his nephew married this girl. Bring on the jokes about the two guys marrying the same girl. But because we're both Chinese-American? Please. It felt like one of those stupid conversations where someone says, "Oh, you're Canadian? You should meet my friend, Stan. He's Canadian!" Uh, yeah. What? It just makes me feel like race is very much an issue and that it's still a novel concept, this wacky interracial marrying. It's very much not an issue. Chris and I do not sit around talking about me being ethnically Chinese. It comes up when there's some sort of misunderstanding between him and my parents due to differing cultural assumptions. It comes up when I explain that yes, those are chicken feet and yes, you are supposed to eat them. And it comes up when I invite Chris to dinner at my aunt's house to celebrate the mid-autumn festival by eating mooncakes. But I do not walk around actively being Chinese. It colors my understanding of the world. It gives me a cultural background that's different from Chris's. I speak a second language (badly) and sometimes, I use that language because there are idioms that better express what I am trying to convey. But I don't constantly think, "I am Chinese," and I know Chris doesn't think that. It's part of the laundry list of ways I describe myself, but it's not the first item; it's not even in the top 10.

And yeah, I'm probably preaching to the choir, but goddamnit, I am not a novelty because of my race, so don't act as if I am. I've already experienced that (hellooo, Greensboro, NC, 1987!!) and I'd rather be gawked at because I am the only person I know who will happily cook for four days straight to throw a dinner party and because I'm one-half of the Sadistic Olympics planning committee. Seriously, it's waaay more interesting to talk to me about why everyone should participate in the Sadistic Olympics. Try it!