It just burns me up

What the fuck, man? I mean seriously: WHAT. THE. FUCK. It’s a sad day when toaster ovens get the best of you. Our dependable little toaster oven died quietly a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t entirely a surprise, I suppose: for the past couple of months, it exhaled a thin wisp of gray smoke every time we used it to do anything besides lightly toast bread. Then there was the burn-y smell. Also, the fire a few months back (the food itself caught fire, not the appliance). Finally, it just stopped working. Poor little toaster oven.

We’ve been making do with my adorable Hello Kitty pop-up toaster since then. While it’s nothing short of delightful to have your toasty bread pop up with Hello Kitty’s adorable face charred on, you can’t exactly shove a slice of leftover pizza or a cheese quesadilla into its slots. (Well, you can, but if you expect that to turn out well, we need to talk.) And sure, I could do all those things in the regular oven, but that takes too long to heat it up for a snack, hence the whole point of toaster ovens. So we started looking for a new toaster oven.

Well, as it turns out, in the four years since we last shopped for toaster ovens, things have changed. They’ve gotten bigger for one thing--SUVized if you will. They’re all bulky and weirdly curved, like they’ve been partaking of that nice Balco skin cream. We were hard-pressed to toast 3 slices of bread with our old toaster oven, but these new ones have double racks that hold six slices! You can bake a 9-inch pie in it! Or roast a goddamned chicken! Whole! With room to spare for a nice side of savory root vegetables! And where toaster ovens were once the definition of simplicity, they now do everything: toast, bake, roast, CONVECTION BAKE? There’s even a combo unit that has a coffeemaker attached! It’s the ultimate in breakfast multitasking! Until the coffeemaker starts shooting boiling water all over the toaster! In which case, Aroma has a nice little lawsuit on its hands.

No. No no no no NOOO! I just want a small, simple, unassuming little toaster oven. Something that will toast my bread, heat leftover pizza, melt the cheese on my tortilla, maybe cook the odd dinner of Trader Joe’s taquitos and mini quiches (shut up). And I don’t want to pay more than $35 for it. These new, fancy machines? They’re all over $100! But look, you say, there are toasters for under $50! And I say, “Read the @%*&@#%) user opinions!” Because the one thing the cheapies can't do: freakin' toast bread, the ONE thing they're supposed to do well.

GAH.