Running in circles

Chris and I had a lengthy conversation yesterday (some would call it an argument) about wedding planning, specifically about planning that which is still unplanned. Which makes sense. Anyway, it brought to mind the fact that I am simultaneously an organization freak and incredibly messy and disorganized. This first came to light when it was clear that we were moving back to San Francisco from New Haven. The moment we made that decision, I went a little nuts, needing to know RIGHT NOW what the deal was going to be with the cat, the movers, the plane tickets, the new apartment, graduation, families visiting, jobs...and this was in January. The move happened at the end of May. Of course, once the pieces actually started falling in place a couple of months later, I wasn't nearly as organized as my yelling and lists and charts in January would have you believe.

I think planning and organizing is my way of quelling panic in the face of unknown events. When I can't actually plan due to circumstances out of my control, I sort of go batty, annoying everyone around me (no really, just ask Chris). I usually resort to long rants, then wedge myself into a tight ball on the couch and keen. But when I can do stuff, watch out! Give me a clipboard and a walkie-talkie and I turn into uber-Director (I have a little Monica Gellar in me, I think.) I'm an excellent planner...too bad I'm just so damn messy. I have lots of energy to work in short spurts (dinner parties, brunches, weddings! oh ho ho!), but I can't maintain that kind of organization in the long run. Exhibit A: my bedroom. I have clothes and books and papers and cats and shoes and detritus EVERYWHERE. Every week or so, I turn into the Tasmanian Devil and tear through, picking everything up, sorting it all back to its proper place, and swearing on a stack of Martha Stewart Livings that I'm going to maintain the neatness and order indefinitely. Never happens.

Mbrain functions in much the same way. Every organization system I've tried has failed, which is why I don't have a Palm Pilot, despite the fact that every part of it calls out to me. Lists! Calendars! Alerts! Address books! I know that I'll get into it for a few weeks, trying to cram every bit of personal knowledge into the little device, only to shove it into a drawer somewhere. Instead, I just let everything rattle around inside my noggin and when I feel cluttered enough, I start writing down lists, just to get all my ducks in a row.

To some extent, this has helped with wedding planning. This ONE BIG EVENT is so daunting that I'm driven to constantly make and update my lists. On the other hand, I have this feeling of constant panic--on a low simmer--that puts me on edge a lot of the time. That feeling has been compounded by the holidays: gifts to buy, cats to find caregivers for, travel, work trips.... Holiday madness has taken on a special edge this year, because since we started planning the wedding, I haven't had a single trip to my parents' house that was just a few days of relaxation. Every trip becomes an opportunity to do a little more (we're planning from afar). I'm a little astounded that I haven't started screaming and running in circles.